Return to Grace

After a little over a month of temple life and traveling, I'm here with Grace again and her crew that have welcomed me so warmly back into their fold. It is both wondrous and occasionally unsettling for me to feel so very much at home in two very different places.

The transition is the hardest part. At the moment, I feel as if I have one foot in each location. Sometimes, when I sleep, I dream I hear the temple bells. But when I was at the temple, I would always get up too early, thinking I had to make coffee so the crew could start their day.

After all the ceremonies and teachings and rituals, it admittedly feels somewhat peculiar to be curled here on the couch with the soup simmering on the stove, surrounded by the various faint metallic sounds that Grace tends to make when we are docked and she grows bored. It is cozy, however, and quite pleasant. I wonder who will wake up first.

I wasn't sure how it would feel to see Hatch again after these weeks away, if something would have changed between us, if time apart meant we'd be closer or more distant for the experience. But he is still the Hatch that I have known and come to love so dearly, with his rambling words and his heart that is bigger than the whole Universe and then some. His patience and devotion fill me with awe. Each time I learn glimpses of his very different past, I am even more impressed that he has become the man he is today.

There are new people. Sirah is a very beautiful and elegant Companion. Yesterday evening, she tried to teach me how to waltz, which I found amusing. I suppose I must not look much like someone who already knows such a refined social skill. There is also her brother Sander, whom I have yet to see (but I hear he is a Preacher), and Peeper whom I glimpsed once but who seems to be particularly shy. I think there might even be a new engineer lost somewhere in the engine room, but I have no proof.

Did I mention that Bishop made cookies the other day? They were really good!

White Christmas

I celebrated Christmas for the very first time. We spent the holiday in a cabin in the woods, thanks to Aradia's thoughtfulness and Max's apparently infinite resources. We ate a lot of food, enjoyed each other's company, and exchanged gifts. It was really very lovely, a delightful change of pace. It's remarkable how so many very different people can come together and be a sort of family for each other. I've decided that I like Christmas very much.

Still, I feel a bit melancholy. I'm leaving pretty soon. I'm only going to take the one bag I brought with me when I first stepped on board the Apollo. I can't imagine I'll need anything more than that. I'm tempted to bring my new photo album along, but I think it will only make me homesick.

I'm sure everyone will be fine without me, -even Larry and Pauline who probably won't even notice that I'm gone. I think I'll try to update my journal even while I'm away, but usually it's not such a good idea to start whipping out technological doodads in the middle of temple grounds. It distracts the mind and disrupts the ambience. So, maybe I won't do that. Oh, now I'm just rambling.

Anyway, I'd better pack.

A Glimpse of the Past

This morning, I talked to my beloved teacher, the Venerable Tashi Rabten of the Lotus Jewel Temple on Bernadette, which had been the only real home I had really known before meeting Aradia. I saw her face upon the screen, with all the familiar lines, and the same smile that had welcomed me to the temple as a young child, so long ago. She bowed to me for a long moment of silence. Then she called me Teacher, and she laughed as she pointed out my hair which has been growing back with all kinds of curls.

I told her I was coming back, but that I could only stay for a month. Her smile faltered, but she did not ask questions. She only said she would be delighted to see me again, that everyone would be delighted to see me again. I asked that they not to make a fuss about my visit, but she kindly reminded me that the fuss isn't about me; it's important to them. And I understand.

Still, I've gotten used to being a simple cook, to being an equal member of Grace's crew, to being hugged, to be able to dance and sing how I like and just be thought of fondly as "our Josie." I like the life I have now. I just wish I didn't have to let other people down in order to pursue my current path. I hope to make them understand that they do not need me, that they can be their own light.

But symbols are important to people. Traditions are important. Who would we become without all that we have always known? What part of ourselves can exist without everything else?

May I express the immeasurable love, compassion, joy, and equanimity of the awakened mind that beings may find comfort and ease in the all-pervading luminosity of their own true nature.

Dancing and Spinning

So, there was the Solstice Ball. I went with Aradia and Bishop, but Hatch, Lucinda, and Saienne joined us not so much later. Saienne, who was wearing the most amazing hat with feathers in it, got swept away by an Alliance Officer, so I hardly got to speak with her at all.

I danced with a man called Mrizen Strian, twice. He was pretty good despite it being his first time with a dance partner, and I do hope it was a pleasant experience for him. I was going to dance with Hatch, next, but he seemed so very distracted. I ended up spending the next song with his former dance partner, one Lady Antonia di Santa Cruz. She was lovely!

Matty was there. I saw her spinning in circles with Aradia. Max was singing wonderfully, as usual. It was a grand time, truth be told.

I'm just worried about Hatch. He wasn't himself. He didn't seem mad at me or anything like that, but his mind was in another place entirely. We didn't dance at all. I'm not even sure he could feel me when I held his hand or see me when I looked into his eyes. I was even wearing my red silk!

He's been a bit distant lately, truth be told. I wish I could peer in his mind and understand what is amiss. I'll have to contact Tashi soon, and I prefer to be in a clear frame of mind when I do. I will try to talk with Hatch today and see.