White Christmas

I celebrated Christmas for the very first time. We spent the holiday in a cabin in the woods, thanks to Aradia's thoughtfulness and Max's apparently infinite resources. We ate a lot of food, enjoyed each other's company, and exchanged gifts. It was really very lovely, a delightful change of pace. It's remarkable how so many very different people can come together and be a sort of family for each other. I've decided that I like Christmas very much.

Still, I feel a bit melancholy. I'm leaving pretty soon. I'm only going to take the one bag I brought with me when I first stepped on board the Apollo. I can't imagine I'll need anything more than that. I'm tempted to bring my new photo album along, but I think it will only make me homesick.

I'm sure everyone will be fine without me, -even Larry and Pauline who probably won't even notice that I'm gone. I think I'll try to update my journal even while I'm away, but usually it's not such a good idea to start whipping out technological doodads in the middle of temple grounds. It distracts the mind and disrupts the ambience. So, maybe I won't do that. Oh, now I'm just rambling.

Anyway, I'd better pack.

A Glimpse of the Past

This morning, I talked to my beloved teacher, the Venerable Tashi Rabten of the Lotus Jewel Temple on Bernadette, which had been the only real home I had really known before meeting Aradia. I saw her face upon the screen, with all the familiar lines, and the same smile that had welcomed me to the temple as a young child, so long ago. She bowed to me for a long moment of silence. Then she called me Teacher, and she laughed as she pointed out my hair which has been growing back with all kinds of curls.

I told her I was coming back, but that I could only stay for a month. Her smile faltered, but she did not ask questions. She only said she would be delighted to see me again, that everyone would be delighted to see me again. I asked that they not to make a fuss about my visit, but she kindly reminded me that the fuss isn't about me; it's important to them. And I understand.

Still, I've gotten used to being a simple cook, to being an equal member of Grace's crew, to being hugged, to be able to dance and sing how I like and just be thought of fondly as "our Josie." I like the life I have now. I just wish I didn't have to let other people down in order to pursue my current path. I hope to make them understand that they do not need me, that they can be their own light.

But symbols are important to people. Traditions are important. Who would we become without all that we have always known? What part of ourselves can exist without everything else?

May I express the immeasurable love, compassion, joy, and equanimity of the awakened mind that beings may find comfort and ease in the all-pervading luminosity of their own true nature.

Dancing and Spinning

So, there was the Solstice Ball. I went with Aradia and Bishop, but Hatch, Lucinda, and Saienne joined us not so much later. Saienne, who was wearing the most amazing hat with feathers in it, got swept away by an Alliance Officer, so I hardly got to speak with her at all.

I danced with a man called Mrizen Strian, twice. He was pretty good despite it being his first time with a dance partner, and I do hope it was a pleasant experience for him. I was going to dance with Hatch, next, but he seemed so very distracted. I ended up spending the next song with his former dance partner, one Lady Antonia di Santa Cruz. She was lovely!

Matty was there. I saw her spinning in circles with Aradia. Max was singing wonderfully, as usual. It was a grand time, truth be told.

I'm just worried about Hatch. He wasn't himself. He didn't seem mad at me or anything like that, but his mind was in another place entirely. We didn't dance at all. I'm not even sure he could feel me when I held his hand or see me when I looked into his eyes. I was even wearing my red silk!

He's been a bit distant lately, truth be told. I wish I could peer in his mind and understand what is amiss. I'll have to contact Tashi soon, and I prefer to be in a clear frame of mind when I do. I will try to talk with Hatch today and see.

Assorted Rambling

I know I haven't been very chatty lately, but I thought I must have something to write in my log because I do live life every day and things happen, you know?

Aradia gave me a baby chicken. Tyr says she is a girl and made her a cozy little cage so she doesn't run about the ship and get eaten by Max. I'm calling her "Pauline" and, for now, she is just this little ball of very soft yellow fuzz who occasionally says "Peeeep!" I told Larry about Pauline, but he didn't really seem to care.

On a different note, I saw Matty yesterday at Eavesdown Docks on Persephone and we gave each other lots of big hugs and she asked if I would mind being her Maid of Honour. I think that's a pretty big compliment, and of course I accepted, even though I'm not sure really what it means! (Matty says I'm pretty much supposed to keep her company and help her get dressed and make sure Suji doesn't see her on her wedding day before they are married. I think the last bit is wierd, but apparently it's a Tradition.) Matty's great.

Tonight is the Moretti Winter Solstice and Christmas Ball. There will be dancing!

Dancing and Dancing

Last night was really something. Almost the whole crew went down to the Persephone racetrack for beer and music and the most incredible dancing ever. It was a whole different pot of stew from the waltzing I learned to do on Paquin way back when. I call it Sai-Style Dancing, because Saienne was teaching us the other day on the observation deck, but she calls it "ceilidh" dancing, or some such difficult to spell name.

Anyway, I danced with Hatch and then Tyr and then Hatch again, and it was so incredibly much fun I can't even tell you. I was so tired I don't know how I didn't fall down, but, amazingly I kept dancing. And twirling. And stomping. And clapping. And laughing.

Max was up on the stage, playing the fiddle (yeah, I know, he prefers it to be called 'violin'), and he and the band were AMAZINGLY WONDERFULLY FANTASTIC. Seriously, I can't praise them enough. It's like they were all hyped up on mega-doses of caffeine and they went positively crazy on the stage in all kinds of remarkable ways. I've never seen anything like it in my life, but I sure hope I do again!

And Hatch, oh Hatch... he looked so happy. We were so happy. We are so happy. Oh, what a beautiful life!

P.S. Matty loves me!

My Nightmare

I dreamt that you were far away, that I was trying to go to you. I could see you, but, to cross the distance, I had to walk over 350 people, living and dead, who were all grotesquely part of the floor. Some of them were cursing, or crying, or reaching out, and I had to step on them as gently as I could in order to move forward. I was weeping by the time I reached you, only to find that you were not real. You were just the guildhall statue.

I must not forget.

What's Going On?

Matty and Sujiko don't seem to be getting married, and I don't know why. I suppose one or both of them will tell me eventually, but it bodes poorly for my fruit-oriented gift basket (which Aradia said looked like a pile of penises because of the bananas and I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it as a compliment). Anyway, I'm worried about them, but I'm also wary about interfering overly much in what simply isn't my business. Even so, I'm going to send them a wave sooner or later when the waiting starts getting me down.

Hatch made pancakes and eggs and bacon-like protein strips today for breakfast. He seemed kind of sad, and I'm not really sure why. I'm sure he'll be just fine, probably even by the time he reads these words (Hi, Hatch!), but sometimes I wish I could just look him in the eyes and make everything better by sheer will alone. I must remind myself, however, that our solemn moments are often just as important as the happy ones. It is allowed, and it is okay.

Oh, speaking of solemn and happy moments, I had a lovely talk with Tyr today, because he had seemed out of sorts over breakfast. We worked everything out nicely and even shared a very delightful hug. He's a nice guy!

Last but not least, Larry sneezed this afternoon, and I am concerned. But Doc Lucinda says that rats cannot catch people colds, and she should know better than me about such things.

Sleepy Thoughts

I'm sleepy. Hatch is still working on something or other in the shuttlebay, so I'm alone right now, --well as alone as anyone can be on a ship full of people. I've lit some candles, a stick of incense, and I'm getting nice and cozy with this PDA again.

I have so many thoughts all throughout the day that I find it emminently curious how they all seem to flee the moment I can actually record them for future reference. Well, I suppose being sleepy doesn't help matters either.

It is certainly worthy of note that I finally had the chance to really talk with Aden last night, up on the observation deck. He has been absent for quite a while, and now suddenly he has returned. I don't know what it is about that man, but I feel as if I already know him, as if I have known him for a very long time. Aden seems to understand my honest thoughts and I his, with a perplexing degree of clarity. I find him to be both compassionate and extraordinarily perceptive. And I am very much looking forward to speaking with him again.

Okay, I think I am going to have to sleep now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I will try to write more tomorrow, so I don't forget how this works.

I Think This Works

Okay, I definitely know how to turn this thing on and off, at this point, and now I'm going to courageously attempt to make a digital log entry. So, now I'm...making this entry, and, yeah, I'm not really sure what to talk about. Oh, I know!

Matty's getting married to Sujiko Tokari. He's a wonderful guy and everyone who knows me at all knows I think the world of Matty. Still, I never expected they'd be the marrying sort, not I'm not wonderfully happy for them both, of course. It just gets me thinking, that's all. ...I wonder what kind of dress she will wear and if there will be flowers.

Well, I have to feed Larry now because he's giving me funny looks, and then I have to get breakfast ready for my crew. I suspect they'll be up and about fairly soon, and they won't be able to function without their coffee.